(It’s November 26th.)
This afternoon I had one of the hardest conversations I’ve ever had with one of the people I’ve loved most in my life. The conversation was long overdue and the outcome was expected. It’s just weird to realize that everything is officially over and done with, no matter what I wished or hoped for. I can’t say or do anything to change it-believe me I tried so hard it was pathetic. So now starts the healing process. And it sucks. (Pardon my French!)
I read a really cheesy quote, but it’s something that I won’t forget because it has happened to me this year. It was something along the lines of “To love someone is a beautiful thing, but the people who you love the most are the people who have the power to hurt you the most.” Does that mean we shouldn’t be open to love and forgiveness and happiness when the universe provides a time and place for these wonderful things? Absolutely not! I have spent so much of the past 5 years living in the future-which is what you do in a long distance relationship-that I don’t know how to live in the present. It’s a hard thing for me to do. I’m at a place right now where I’m yearning every day for the past, to be able to change things I said or did. And in the past all I was thinking about was the future.
So I guess my lesson from all this is not “don’t give you heart to someone else so they can break it”, but instead “learn to live in the present”. Don’t dwell on the future because you might not have one like you think. And I guess don’t dwell in the past because you can’t go back. You can’t change the one thing you should or shouldn’t have said or done. Such a simple concept, but it’s something like plane crashes or cancer, you never think it applies to you, to your life, and the struggles you will, one day, inevitably endure.
And the memories. I hope those get less painful with time. Because right now, I wish I had a Men in Black pen thingy to erase mine (except the Spanish and lovely people I met in Mexico!!).
Ok. so maybe that wasn’t the most “glass half full” kind of post, but there is some positivity in it somewhere. I’m trying to pick out life lessons out of complete and utter devastation?! 🙂